I got my report card in the mail the other day. Whoa. How the hell did I manage this:

semester 2
theatre 2..............A-
us history............B
physics................B-
physGeom..........B                                            gpa= 3.2!
english................B
physEd................B+
french 2...............A-

WHAT THE HELL?! 
I for sure didnt do like any work this past marking period. Its sad but I can for real argue my way into getting good grades. As funny as it is, its not good. For example, when I was notified that I had a 48% in my english class with a month of school left, I convinced my teacher I turned in like 3 papers, and 2 projects. I bullshit everything. Hmmm...I should maybe stop lying to all my teachers.

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Anywho. It was really nice out today. I mean it wasn't really sunny but the temperature was like perfect.
I noticed that I pretty much have a daily ruitine: Wake up around 2pm, watch tv and go on computer til like 6 or 6:30, then maybe go out and come home around 12 or 1am, then watch tv and chill with peoples til like 2:30 or 3 and then sleep.
How lame is that?!

I need to go outside more during the day!
I think I'm gonna make a list of things I need to do this summer. 
I'ma start that. Now. haha. peace out!

I know I pretty much write about the same kind of shit. Sorry, tonights no different. 

I've noticed lately that I'm completely selfish. Everything I do, it's like I only think about how it's going to affect me. I mean naturally, I should look out for whats good for me, but not just me. I try really hard to make an effort of putting other people before me, but its hard. I'm not a self-obsessed or arogant person, in fact just the opposite, but for some reason I'm always just scared to death of whats going to happen to me.

Set aside a lot of issues going on in my life involving family and friends and whatever, I need to be selfish by taking care of things that need to change. My grades have dropped way too low, my weight is increasing non stop and I feel like one of these days, my mind will just explode.

This passed year has been filled with more let downs and breakdowns than any other. I can't even describe everything that has happened, but it's made me a different person. I feel like I've matured 5 years within this one.
I've done all I can with the family situations I've been through, and I need to stop blaming myself for what could have been different. I have faith that someday, it will all be normal again. All I can do is pray. Eventually, he's gotta listen to me. 



I need hope. No one seems to be giving me any, but I need to just ...keep swimming.

I want to tell myself that things are going to get better but I'm not that confident. 
I'm scared to death that things won't get better for a while.

A few nights ago I thought life was over as I knew it but then things seemed to get into place. But now it's a matter of how long it will last. I'm getting kind of sick of this cycle my family continues to go through. Things just need to change.

One thing that has made me really believe good things are coming is that I actually made it in the Crucible. I'm Sarah Good (this insane old woman). I can't believe I'm even in it. And I'm a supporting role so I get 2 points! Does FSS count? If so, I'll have like 4 or 5 points by the end of the year? Internation Thesbian Society here I come! I know you have no idea what I'm talking about but that's okay.
Speaking of Theatre, 4 of my electives next year are going to be Theatre ones! Advanced Theatre Production 1 and 2, Advanced Theatre Reasearch, and Musical Theatre (this is new)! I'm so excited. Honestly, Theatre is the only class I like. And the only one I actually have an A in..

Speaking of grades we got report cards and even though I didn't do that great, my GPA finally went from 2.9 to a 3.0
As long as I have at a 3.0+ I'm good.

Hmm..while on the subject of school... I'm in personal fitness this semester. At first I was pissed just thinking about it because I know I'm not in good shape at all and it's embarrassing. But it's actually not that bad. I fucking hate running though. I've never been good at it and it just isn't fun. But when I'm done I feel really good. Especially today because we swam and it seemed really easy to me and I liked it.

I actually feel..relatively good about myself today. I made the play, my GPA went up, and my mom told me earlier that it looks like I've lost weight. Even though I know I've lost only like 2 pounds, it still made me feel really good and made me feel motivated to just fucking do it. I'll feel so much better about myself if I lose some fucking weight. I know I need to and I'm sick of people pretending like I'm normal. I'm very obviously overweight and frankly, it's disgusting. I feel gross all of the time and it's got to stop. I'm sick of feeling like shit.





That's all.

i never use this. i need to. i need to vent.
This is going to be long. Beware.
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Everyone always says "once it's the new year, we can just start over. Things will be better". 
It's 2007 now. I can't see a difference yet. How long will it take? Will things get better? I'm ready to start new.

There's only so much I can do to help. I'm worried for the people I love.
It rips me apart to watch them throw away their lives, giving up. Is that really it? 
I'm sick of people giving up on themselves. I'm working on myself, I admit. But I haven't completely given up.

I feel awful that I don't go to Mass every Sunday. I need something to believe in. I need to stay strong, and I believe that turning to God may be my only way to keep from going insane. I'm trying to keep my faith, because all I do is pray. Pray for help. But it seems like none of my prayers have even been heard, let alone been answered.
Everyone always says the best thing to do is to pray. That's all I've been doing for the past 2 years. Still ..nothing.

I don't want to give up because that's weak. But I am weak. I weaken more and more everyday when the people around me are falling apart and taking me with them. I need to stay strong. I need to just fucking suck it up and get over the fact that life isn't perfect and help people. 

School. What is there to say about school? It sucks. That's it.
Finals are this week and I have to do well on them. If I don't, I'm fucked.
I feel like all of my teachers hate me because I don't have an 'A' in their class.
I'm trying. Not as hard as I should be, but at least I'm putting forth an effort.
There's too much going on in the rest of my life to make school my #1 priority.

I need to just stay involved with Theatre because it is the only thing that makes me happy these days.
I feel like I fit in...somewhat. Which is new for me. It's the only reason I even go to school. Now that FSS is over, I'll be home more, which I don't know if that's good or bad..but I guess I'll find out.
I need to stop being so down on myself. I need to stop telling myself that I suck at everything. Even though I know I'm not that great, I need to keep a morsal of confidence to get me through.
And I wish I could just get over my fear of embarassment and dissapointing people. 

Like with acting and singing. I honestly don't think I'm anything special. I love to sing. I really do. But it terrifies me to do it in front of other people because I'm not good enough to actually stand out. 
But maybe I should just stop being so dumb. If people wanna hear me then maybe they just should, so they can stop anticipating something better than what's really there.
I am so not the kind of person who looks for praise and that is totally not what I go for by saying shit like that, it's just honestly what I think.
Whatevs.


So I have this cold that won't fucking go away.
And everyone reccomends sleeping it off.
But here's the thing: when I sleep, it makes me 1000x more congested and seems to make everything worse?
I keep taking these cold pills that usually help me, but nothing's helping. I hope it doesn't get worse, because then I'll have to go to the doctor. And I fucking hate going to the doctors. Eeek. 



Kay. I think I'm done for now. If you want to comment, knock your socks off.
I'm going to bed, and I hope my cold doesn't get worse.
Tomorrow I'm forcing myself to dedicate 8 hours to homework/studying. Yep.


Goodnight.